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21.3.20 – And So It Begins…

On By theempressdiariessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Dear diary,

Well here we are. March 21st 2020 and people in the UK are beginning to self isolate from the invisible plague that is ploughing through continents. I wont lie to you, when I first heard about the coronavirus, I thought it would disappear as quick as it was created and we would forget all about it by the end of February. Now we are almost in April and its looking like we will be following in the footsteps of China and Italy, where staying inside and only leaving for emergencies such as food or health seems like the only way forward. Now, I try to avoid the news. I feel the news does nothing but scaremongers the masses and right now, sending peoples anxiety levels through the roof IS NOT helping anyone. A big heartbreak for me in all this (as well as death) is all the children that have been sent home until September due to the virus. I know millions of children are absolutely thrilled by this but I couldn’t help but shed a tear. I work in education and a lot of children in my care have SEN – Special Educational Needs. In my small class of 19, 17 have either dyslexia, confidence issues, processing issues, autism, ADHD, ADD, some children have English as an additional language (EAL) plus many more. Those children need to be school not only for educational purposes but because school gives them a routine. School gives them confidence, School gives them security. I have seen such a change in this beautiful bunch of children since September and it worries me how many steps back they’re going to take without being in a classroom. Now please, do not get me wrong. Health is the ABSOLUTE priority and everyone being safe will always be top of the list – I just worry that when all this is over, will my little loves feel confident to return to the classroom and continue on the way they did when they left?

Yesterday, our school closed its doors at 1.15pm and I said goodbye to the 7 children I had left. I was fine when numbers 1 and 2 left. 3 left. But by 4, I could feel my eyes start to prick as a mass of salty tears began to fill my eyes. I couldn’t help it! I knew I had to be professional and show the children that everything was going to be ok, but my heart broke into pieces. I bawled and I couldn’t control myself. Every parent was full of love. “Be safe!” “We will see you soon” “Look after yourself and your family”. It was like we were all saying ‘goodbye’, ‘not I’ll see you later’. Once the last little love had gone, myself and my colleague looked at each other and cried some more. It was hands down one of the saddest days of my 31 years.

Although I said “see ya soon” to some of my pupils and unfortunately haven’t to the majority of my class, there is a silver lining! My school is remaining open to those children who are vulnerable and for those parents who are key workers. Those who are going above and beyond to keep the world ticking over; Nurses, doctors, factory workers, supermarket workers, those who work in education, transport and utility, the police, health and social care as well as the police, ambulance and fire services can all send their children to schools as normal whilst they work their fingers to the bone. We wont be having our usual routined school day, however there will be a new time table filled with curriculum based activities as well as a lot more time for sports and the freedom to do a lot more arts & crafts and cooking classes! We might not be able to help everyone in this new, weird atmosphere we are living in but helping a little, really goes a long way.

I have no idea how long this will go on for. I don’t know how “normal” things will be once this is over. What I do know is how much gratitude I have for people. I started to lose faith in people recently. Humans have been so nasty to each other but this new situation, which is affecting all of us no matter colour, religion, social status etc, has got people giving back more than ever before and it is such a beautiful thing! I can only hope a lot of us have realised there is only one race – the human race – and we will all go further by continuing to give each other a helping hand.

Stay safe! xo

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3.3.20 – Thirty and Thriving?

On By theempressdiariessIn Uncategorized

Dear diary,

One of my favourite times of the year is my birthday. I absolutely adore it. I love celebrating a new year, I love celebrating achievements I have made. I love the facts I can fill room with people who are just as happy about my existence as I am. A lot of my friends were devastated on their journey towards 30, whereas I thrived in it. There was so much I was learning about myself once I passed 26 and I was so excited for what was to come. My 20’s were definitely the years of understanding and soul searching and I hoped my 30’s would be the time to implement those teachings. On my 30th birthday, I was surrounded by nothing but pure love. I had invited people who had made a genuine, positive impact on my journey so far and those who made the efforts to continue to be in my life as much as I made the effort. It was a beautiful night. We danced away to garage, soul, RnB and reggae. We ate some delicious Caribbean food and I drank copious amounts of rum and cafe patron. After my speech , which I reeeally didn’t want to do, I had a little cry with my Mum on the corner of the dancefloor. I was so overwhelmed by the purity of love and friendship. I remember feeling an abundance of gratitude and blessings as I looked around the room. During my personal journey of self discovery, I learned to be appreciative and to always find the positive in every situation as opposed to always seeing the doom and gloom, so I try to live by that teaching everyday. With all the beautiful energy I had found and this clear mind I had created for myself, I found the run up to my recent birthday the complete opposite. A few weeks ago, I turned 31 and found myself in a weird headspace. I celebrated with a dark cloud lingering over my head and I was struggling to channel any positivity. It was like I was spiralling into a negative place mentally and I didn’t know how to turn it around. The usual happy, positive woman was now a moaning misery and someone I did not recognise. I started to revert back to comparing my life to other peoples, looking at all of their acheivements and milestones they were hitting and realising I actually haven’t achieved much in my life. I was 31 with no children, I wasn’t married, my career seemed to have hit a brick wall and I was no longer motivated. I had completed a 8 week training programme to help me shift a few pounds but I couldn’t even do that! I tortured myself with eating 985 calories per day and chose to do it over the Christmas and new year period which meant my alcohol intake was zero – Not like my typical festive period antics – and I looked no different!! The day of my birthday was spent with my love who made such a lovely effort to make sure my day was special as he knows how much of a big deal I make about it usually. We spent an amazing night together and I felt uplifted. The next morning however, I was back in that negative place and felt unworthy. I didn’t even want to talk to anyone about what I was feeling because I knew whatever came out of my mouth was only going to drain the life out of anyone who was willing to listen and Imthat’s not what I wanted. I had to go back to 2017 and go through the motions of finding myself again. A couple of weekends later, I had a belated celebration with my closest friends. It was a day full of half price alcohol and a lot of rain! (Cheers Storm Jorge) As I looked around at the tables, covered with birthday cake and martinis, I turned to my friend (who is married and pregnant with her second child) and said “I’m 31 and I have nothing to show for it”. She looked at me in utter shock. “Nothing to show?” She scoffed. “Look at all these people here for you? Doesn’t look like nothing to me!”. It was in that moment that I came back down to earth. Here I was feeing sorry for myself when there was so much more important issues happening all over the world. Earlier that day, my Dad had called me into the living room to show me the news. Refugees who had fled their countries and travelled on foot for months just for a better life were on the main story. I thought about a family I know who had recently been deported, leaving Mum and her 4 daughters – aged between 10 and 2 months old vulnerable, homeless and not a penny to their name. I thought about people who have been given a soul shattering diagnosis. I had so much to live for and so much to be happy about. This little blip was just that. A blip. Ok, so I’m not a mother yet, I’m not in my dream job yet and I still have belly rolls BUT I am so thankful to be alive and be living the life that I am sure plenty of people would happily trade for. Everything I am upset about now, CAN be and WILL be changed, if I am willing to work for it. So it’s time to pull up my big girl knickers and get everything I want from life!

Count your blessings daily, for we will never know when they will run out xo

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19.2.20 – Abs anyone?

On By theempressdiariessIn Uncategorized

Dear diary,

So it’s a Wednesday afternoon and I’m in my bedroom currently taking a break from a “workout”. I say “workout” because its taken me 45 minutes to do 50 squats and 30 sit ups. If you couldn’t guess, procrastination is my thing. My phone, the TV, anything with a reflective surface so I can check myself out are all things contributing to the lack of exercise my body is currently receiving but so desperately desires. I find myself opening those social media apps and stalking the girls with multiple thousand followers, showing their sexiest toned bodies whilst promoting slimming teas. Doing that pose they do where their heads tilt to the side, big pout and maybe a thumb just positioned at the edge of their mouth as not to smudge that popping lip gloss. I look at these girls and look at my dream body and just like that, my will power is back. I get back on that floor and crunch these abs like Blackpool rock. HARD! But one ‘PING’ from my phone and yep you guessed it, distraction has come. I’ve just got to face it, as much as I want that dream body, I have zero will power at this moment in time. I may just need to come to terms with the fact that I may always be that little bit chubby. And considering the huge issues going on globally, that’s actually not a bad thing. Moral of the story? Be happy being you 🙂 Peace!